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[27 Sep 2005|12:03pm] |
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SO its been FOREVER since I've written in here.
These past 2 weeks, hell past 3 weeks have sucked.
MAJOR BALLS.
I'm becoming all emo again.
I'm not one to talk about my feelings when I'm upset.
Its almost like I feel that if I don't talk about them,
they'll go away and everything will be alright.
One could only hope.
Life just sucks, and I'm beginning to realize it.
Actually, I've known all along,
I just like to pretend that everything is fine.
My friends,
well the ones that are close to me,
can always tell when something is wrong.
I feel bad for lying to them when I tell them that I'm fine.
But I'm not fine.
I'M NOT OKAY.
I just want to be happy for once.
There comes a point when I think that its happening,
that I'll finally be happy,
and something, always FUCKING something,
comes along and changes it.
Maybe this is self inflicted.
Maybe I just need to work on myself.
Actually, I know I need to.
I just need help.
Not professional help, come on guys, I'm not crazy,
just help from the one I'm with.
I've been hurt so many times, by so many people,
that I just expect it to happen again.
And though I expect it, it still hurts when it does happen.
I'm jealous.
I over-react.
I think too much into petty shit.
I accuse.
I struggle to find what I believe is there.
Whether it is or not.
I can't help it.
Its what makes me.
I'm trying to change.
I'm trying to be different.
I'm trying to be perfect.
Though perfection will never come,
I'm trying to at least be on the way towards it.
I want to be that girl, not THAT girl.
I want to be the girl that I say I am.
The one who is okay with you having girls that are friends.
And for the most part, I am, just not ex girlfriends that are friends.
I guess I feel threatened by them, though I shouldn't.
There is a reason they are only your friend and not your girlfriend.
They had something that I have now, but I always think they could get it back.
I want to be the perfect girlfriend.
Ya know, the one you thought you had.
The one who doesn't have a jealousy problem,
who doesn't overreact,
the one who wants to spend every moment with you,
but is okay with the fact that you want to hang out with your friends,
or that you've got other stuff going on that day.
I want to be the girl that you thought you loved.
The one that you couldn't stand to go days without seeing.
The one that made you smile when you had a bad day, and just made you forget about
the things that upset you.
The one you wanted to have hang out with you and your friends,
because they get along so well.
The one that your friends are jealous of you because they didn't find her first.
The one who always listens, and helps when she can.
The one you talk to every chance you get, even if its just to say hi, i was thinking about you.
I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT ME LIKE I CONSTANTLY THINK ABOUT YOU.
I WANT THINGS TO BE LIKE THEY WERE.
I want to see you more.
I want you to call when you say you will.
I want you to tell me your feelings, and be honest about them
I don't want you to go back on things you once said.
I want you to call/text me every chance you get.
I don't want you to be too busy for me.
I don't want to cry over you.
Unless they are tears of happiness.
I want to sleep in your bed.
Have you hold me while I sleep.
I want you to hold my hand.
Lay claim to me.
I want to be what we were.
I want to be understanding of your busy schedule, and how things in your life are different
from when we started dating.
I want to be what I thought we were going to be.
It definitely wasn't this.
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[17 Aug 2005|06:36pm] |
Your view on yourself:
You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.
The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:
You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true.
Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.
The seriousness of your love:
Your have very sensible tactics when approaching the opposite sex. In many ways people find your straightforwardness attractive, so you will find yourself with plenty of dates.
Your views on education
Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.
The right job for you:
You have plenty of dream jobs but have little chance of doing any of them if you don't focus on something in particular. You need to choose something and go for it to be happy and achieve success.
How do you view success:
You are confident that you will be successful in your chosen career and nothing will stop you from trying.
What are you most afraid of:
You are afraid of things that you cannot control. Sometimes you show your anger to cover up how you feel.
Who is your true self:
You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.
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[15 Aug 2005|07:07pm] |
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mood |
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today completely sucked.
my mom had multiple seizures this morning.
so i called 911.
in the mean time i wasn't feeling so good.
dizzy, cold sweats, tunnel vision/hearing.
all i remember is opening the door for the emt to come in.
then i remember coming to and i was laying in my yard.
scraped the skin off my elbow, wrist and hip.
and to make things worse, i did something to my foot.
my big toenail is split in half.
its gross.
so my mother and i were taken to the hospital.
together.
admitted.
together.
my mom is doing better, thank God.
still scary though.
she has epilepsy, so i'm almost used to this.
but today she had them bad.
so i'm in a shit load of pain.
and we're both being lazy.
good bonding time i guess....
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[14 Aug 2005|04:45pm] |
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mood |
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so these last few days have pretty much sucked.
thursday was possibly the worst.
i found out that my aunt died.
i was supposed to have a date, fucker never called.
*he asked me out on monday, told me to dress nice blah blah..
was supposed to go to oxford.
that didn't happen.
so once again i didn't meet josh haha.
friday.
work sucked.
one of my managers made me feel like shit because of miscommunication.
and it wasn't on my part.
i had everything undercontrol.
i had to work with the loudest and most annoying person i know.
got a head ache.
plans fell through for after work.
saturday.
oh what a day.
went to my aunts.
that was ok i guess.
talked about a funeral.
not good.
i refuse to have to go to anymore.
so no one else is allowed to die.
period.
was supposed to go to a few parties.
once again plans fell through.
didn't get to meet josh.
AGAIN.
i swear we are destined to never meet.
its ok i guess.
i still get to talk to him a lot.
maybe our friendship, if thats what it can be called now,
can grow, and it wont be awkward when we do meet.
if that ever happens.
someone i really care about made me feel like shit.
guys suck.
seriously.
there are a select few who dont.
and well those guys, just rock my socks off.
but i dont think i'll ever be involved with them in a romantic way.
so in a way, they suck too haha.
my mother and i got into an arguement today.
surprise surprise.
it happens atleast once a week.
sometimes i want to move back out.
and i would, if i could afford it.
i hate having to depend on someone else.
i just wish i won the lottery or something.
became rich overnight.
that'd be great.
but will never happen.
so here i am, stuck being a broke college kid.
well kind of.
i'll be a college kid once i pay back UC.
so for a while, i won't be broke.
but when i have to pay for school.
i will be again.
its a never ending cycle for me.
i've just been feeling so bleh lately.
hopefully something good will pop out of nowhere.
and make me happy again...
til then....
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| bored out of my mind |
[11 Aug 2005|10:22pm] |
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mood |
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T h e | B a s i c s | a n d | s t u f f . . .
- Name: Ragan
- Birthplace: Middletown, OH
- B-day Month: October
- Current Location: Middletown, OH
- Eye color: brown
- Hair color: dark brown-with some highlights...soon to change
- Height: 5'3"ish
- Righty or Lefty: Righty
- Zodiac sign: Scorpio
- Your heritage: Irish, Indian, Italian(yeah I'm a triple threat.)
- Shoes you wore today: black flip flops
- Your weakness: guys..
- Your strengths: deligation haha, loving, passionate?
- Your fears: being alone
- Your perfect pizza: cheese...sometimes with banana peppers
- Goal you'd like to achieve: graduate college and be one rich bitch
- Your thoughts first waking up: fuck, what time is it
- Your bedtime: whenever i feel like it, gosh
- Your most missed memory: highschool, despite the drama..didn't realize how easy i had it.
- Pepsi or coke: pepsi, or cherry coke
- McDonald's or Burger King: McDonald's
- Single or Group dates: single
- Best friends: Corrie, Niki, Dani
- Boyfriend/Girlfriend: ha
- Adidas or Nike: umm..both?
- Lipton ice tea or Nestea: Arizona Plum Green Tea
- Chocolate or Vanilla: swirl
- Cappuccino or Coffee: Cappucino, or Caramel Machiatto ex. Caramel.
- Smoke: unfortunatly
- Cuss: fuck yeah i do
- Sing: in my car
- Take a shower everyday: try to
- Have a crush: yes
- Do you think you've been in love: yes
- Want to go to college: yeah
- Where: University of Cincinnati
- Like(d) high school: nope, but i wish i was still there
- Want to get married: who doesn't
- Believe in yourself: sometimes
- Get motion sickness: sure do
- Think you're attractive: sure, why not
- Think you're a health freak: nope, not at all
- Get along with your parent(s): on occasion
- Like thunderstorms: sure do.
- Play an instrument: tons
- Ambition: become a rich bitch
- Country/Place you would most like to visit: italy
I n | t h e | p a s t | m o n t h . . .
- Drank alcohol: yeah
- Smoked: a cigarette.
- Done a drug: not illegal ones
- Had sex : nope
- Made out: yes
- Gone on a date: not that i can remember
- Gone to the mall: today, bought some grape swedish fish hahahaha
- Eaten an entire box of Oreos: nope, don't like them
- Eaten sushi: no
- Been on stage: no
- Been dumped: no
- Gone skating: no
- Made homemade cookies: no
- Gone skinnydipping: no
- Dyed your hair: getting ready to
- Stolen anything: no
H a v e | y o u | e v e r . . .
- Played a game that required removal of clothing: yeah, and i almost lost
- If so, was it mixed company: kind of
- Been extremely trashed or extremely intoxicated: not extremely
- Been caught, you know: someone told me they walked in, but i dont remember
- Been called a tease: yeah haha
- Gotten beaten up: nope
- Shoplifted: yes
- Changed who you were to fit in: no
- Age you hope to be married: any age
- Described your dream wedding: a big one
- Thought about how you want to die: yes, asleep
G u y / G i r l | s t u f f . . .
- Best eye colour: green or brown
- Best hair colour: doesn't matter, i seem to go for brunettes though
- Short or long hair: depends if it looks good or not, i'm a sucker for 'shaggy' hair
- Height: taller than me
- Best weight: more than me haha
- Best articles of clothing: whatever makes them comfortable
- Best first date location: ?
- Best first kiss location: ??
I n | y o u r | l i f e . . .
# of drugs taken illegally: 2, nothing hardcore
# of people I could trust with my life: hmm..i don't know
# of CDs that i own: too many to count
# of piercings: 4
# of tattoos: 0
# of scars on my body: too many to count
S p e c i f i c s . . .
- What kind of shampoo do you use? Pantene ProV
- What are you most scared of? dying a lonely old bitch
- What are you listening to right now? Alkaline Trio
- Who is the last person that called you? Corrie
- How many buddies are online right now? 63
- How many are away: 44
- What would you change about yourself? my hair?!
F a v o r i t e . . .
- Colour: pink
- Food: pizza, italian,
- Boy's name(s): Daniel, Hayden, Benjamin, Joshua, Matthew, Nicholas
- Girl's name(s): Emma, Molly,
- Subject(s) in school: English, History, Physiology
- Animal(s): DUCK
- Sport(s): baseball, basketball, football, soccer
H a v e | y o u | e v e r . . .
- Given anyone a bath? yes
- Got high? yeah
- Bungee jumped? no
- Made yourself throw up? yeah, only because it would make me feel better
- Skinny dipped? yes
- Been in love? yes
- Made yourself cry to get out of trouble? haha yes
- Pictured your crush naked? don't we all
- Cried when someone died? yes, obviously
- Lied? yes
- Fallen for your best friend? yes, best guy friend that is!
- Been rejected? yes
- Rejected someone? yes
- Used someone? no...i don't think so
- Done something you regret? we all do
R i g h t | n o w . . .
- Clothes you're wearing: blue jeans, I'll love you when you're more like me shirt
- Music you're listening to: Alkaline Trio
- Time where you are: 10:43pm
- Annoyances that... eh, annoy you: Traffic, Overly Drunk People, old guys hitting on me, a ton more
- Favourite music artist: there are a lot
- Favourite Group: once again
- Current Desktop picture:colorful stripes
- Book you're reading: The Wedding by Nicholas Sparks
- CD in the player: ALKALINE TRIO
- DVD in the player: Diary of a mad black woman
L a s t | p e r s o n | y o u . . .
- Touched: physically? Darrell
- Hugged: Darrell
- IM'd: Josh
- Yelled at: stupid people who can't drive
- Felt sorry for: Corrie, she's sicl
- Missed terribly: not saying
- Spoke to: Corrie/Josh
- Cried to: Corrie I think?
- Cried over: too personal.
P e o p l e | A s s o c i a t i o n . . .
(Name the people that you associate with the following words)
- Open minded: can't think of anyone off hand..Greg maybe?
- Arrogant: a lot of people I work with
- Insecure: myself
- Interesting: everyone
- Random: ME
- Attractive: haha wouldn't you like to know
- Smart: everyone
- Moody: Corrie
- Ambitious: Josh
- Healthy: umm...
- Shy: Josh and Dani
- Difficult: Corrie haha
- Buffed: as in muscular? hmm...
- Drunk: Dani and Corrie
- Responsible: my mother
- Obsessive: umm..me? possibly? but not overly obsessive
- Happy: Greg
- Hyper: Greg
- Talkative: Greg
- Illegal: ?
- Porn: some bitch..Dani knows who I'm talking about
- Cute: there are a lot
- Violent: hmm...
- Unpredictable: Darrell
- Repetition: my mom
- Drama: my entire Fucking high school
W h o | d o | y o u | w a n t | t o . . .
- Kill: no one
- Punch: haha there are a few
- Get really wasted with: Dani haha
- Get high with: no one
- Look like: my mom with a mixture of my dad, wait i already do..
- Talk to face to face: Josh, because it has yet to happen
- Talk to indirectly (on the phone, online etc.): ehh anyone
R a n d o m . . .
- In the morning I look like: I need more sleep
- All I need is: love
- Love is: worth waiting for
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[11 Aug 2005|03:21am] |
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mood |
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So what the hell.
Why not post a million times today.
Its 3am
and i want to go to bed.
haha..OAR gotta love em
anyways
I've been thinking a lot lately
about guys
friends, crushes, yada yada
and I've realized its a bad idea to have a crush on your friend.
honestly.
Even if something were to come out of it,
it doesnt mean it will end well,
and you might lose that friendship forever,
and that would suck.
I will admit.
I have a lot of great guy friends,
most of whom are good looking,
all have great personalities,
and would be wonderful boyfriends.
Some I know because of experience,
others because I've seen them in relationships,
and well the few that I've never seen in a relationship
but I know for sure that they'd be a great companion.
Now why is it that I chose these guys as friends?
Why not more?
Hell if I know.
Sometimes a girl doesn't realize what great thing is standing in front of her.
she takes him for granted.
I'll admit, I've done that a lot
and it sucks.
but I've just now realized, that I, the hopeless romantic,
the girl who always has crushes, and falls too easily,
am afraid of commitment
How weird does that sound?
A girl falls for a guy quickly, and easily, and is afraid of commitment?
well my friends, its true.
I will fall for a guy, and when things get serious, I find something about him to turn me off,
make me disgusted or annoyed by him.
and I end things.
countless times I have given up a great thing.
Talk about self given heart ache.
I wish I could change this.
be happy once.
there are plenty of times when I was extremely happy with my love life
and I, myself, ruined it all.
because I was scared.
wtf.
seriously, it's almost like an illness.
am I doomed to never get married and have the fairy tale life?
all because I'm afraid?
here I am, on the edge of 19, afraid to commit to someone.
some of the people in my graduating class have babies.
are married.
and happy.
now that may seem a little young to start your 'life'
but what if I'm still this way at 25 or 30?
I don't want to die alone.
Never married.
With no kids.
A haggard bitch.
I don't know.
Maybe I just worry too much.
Maybe this is normal.
But it sure as hell is scary.
Wow, I'm sounding a little emo right now.
But, I guess I am.
At the moment.
But I'm not an 'emo kid'.
I guess I should get some sleep.
This doesn't seem to be making sense right now.
As a matter of fact, I'm sure my spelling/grammar are lacking in perfection as well.
Night Y'all. <3
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| Bored. |
[10 Aug 2005|10:16pm] |
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mood |
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bored |
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I'm bored.
Extremely bored.
Broken hearted as well.
Sort of atleast.
Guys, well they suck right now.
So damn confusing.
I wish I was a mind reader.
If I had any 'super' power, that is what it would be.
Mind reading.
Seriously, how awesome would that be.
I'd know what everyone was thinking.
Though, all in all it might not be that great.
What if they hated me, or made fun of me?
I'd be hurt.
Oh, I know, I could filter out the bad, and only hear the good.
That'd work.
Who am I kidding? That will never happen.
I've decided to change my 'image', look, whatever you want to call it.
Cutting my hair, then I'm changing it's color.
Something extreme.
But hot in the same.
Maybe getting a few piercings?
Or a tattoo..
Who knows.
I'm sick of being plain and simple.
I don't want to be like everyone else.
And I don't want to look stupid.
Eh, who knows, maybe it'll look awesome.
But it has to be me, and that's hard to figure out.
We'll see what happens.
Enough of my rambles....
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| first |
[10 Aug 2005|07:19pm] |
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mood |
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bored |
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Brendan made me join.
He made my profile.
That is all
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